And in the beginning, I was angry.

Well the Rapture has come and gone, and as expected everyone is still here. Imagine my surprise on Monday when I got to my commuter train and still had to stand. There were no ground shattering earthquakes or the fires of hell opening up to consume the non-believers and leaving the shadow of perdition for those left behind to rummage a meager-but-doomed life through. No, the earth let out a small bit of flatulence and rolled over to go back to sleep (this might have been me, not the earth -ed), and most everyone got up on Sunday and chuckled to themselves that they had paid the idea a passing though in the three months leading up to May 22.

I think this may prove a thing or two: 1) never listen to billboards, 2) this is as bad as it gets (my vote) or 3) God does not really have a plan for killing us all.

Maybe, if we take a look at the good book, as opposed to imposing some deformed apocalypse math upon it like a certain dread-spewing Oakland sermonizer, we'll figure out what happened...Oh, here it is:

"As Jesus was sitting on the Mount of Olives, the disciples came to him privately. 'Tell us,' they said, 'when will this happen, and what will be the sign of your coming and of the end of the age?'" Matthew 24:3

[prattle prattle prattle, something about olive trees...]

...“'But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.'" Matthew 24:36

There it is! The answer! in the kings english no less, and a thousand other languages no doubt! Not even a senile civil engineer from Oakland knows--in fact, he's expressly ruled out in the passage. He must have stroked out while this part was being read to him over his morning meal of applesauce and narcissism.

But this raises deeper questions, like, WHEN THE FUCK WILL IT HAPPEN! I better prepare, there is no way I am capable of fumbling around a flame-scorched hellscape waiting for death; waiting for death now is hard enough. And I, for one, do not want to continue to rub shoulders with the equally loathsome homeless, hipsters and professionals the morning after the rapture, I'm going to make sure my dance card with God get's punched, starting now.

Thus begins my in depth review of the bible, not out of fear of God, but the fear of sharing a seat with another human being on a short train ride between here and -Hades- work.

Without further ado, Genesis 1:1:

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

That's it! That's the beginning! We can't even pre-suppose humanity! How the fuck to people know that this is how it went? It sure doesn't say, "God created a witness so people wouldn't ask stupid questions 6000 years later." No, I read ahead, people don't come until later!

I'll calm down now, I swear, I'll just take it at its word....and we're underway.



....How much of this shit do I have to read before finding salvation?